Unseen Love: How Distorted Thinking Masks the Affection We Already Have

If you carry the deep belief that “others don’t love me,” it can feel like an inescapable truth. You might find yourself constantly scanning for signs of disinterest or rejection, while overlooking or dismissing signs of care. But often, this belief isn't about reality — it’s about perception.

Our brains are wired to protect us, but they can also trick us. Psychologists call these patterns cognitive distortions — ways of thinking that distort how we interpret the world around us. When it comes to love, these distortions can create blind spots, making it harder to recognise and receive the love that may actually be present.

This article explores how certain cognitive distortions can reinforce the belief “I’m not loved,” even when there’s evidence to the contrary. We’ll also offer real-life examples and ways to begin shifting these patterns.

1. Negative Mental Filter

This distortion involves focusing exclusively on negative aspects of a situation while filtering out the positives.

Case Example: Sarah had dinner with her sister, who complimented her new job and listened attentively to her struggles. But afterward, Sarah couldn’t stop thinking about the moment her sister checked her phone. “She doesn’t really care,” she thought, missing all the warmth that came before.

How to challenge it: Ask yourself: Am I focusing only on what felt off and ignoring everything that went well? Try writing down three things the person did that might suggest care or affection — even if they’re small.

2. Discounting the Positive

Even when love is offered, this distortion tells us it's not real or doesn’t count.

Case Example 1: James’s friend tells him, “You’ve really helped me lately — I’m lucky to have you.” James immediately thinks, “He’s just saying that. He doesn’t mean it.” He dismisses sincere appreciation because it doesn’t fit his belief that people don’t truly care.

Case Example 2: Olivia is encouraged by her therapist to express her needs more clearly. She tells her partner, “I’d like more hugs — they help me feel close to you.” Her partner responds warmly and begins giving her more hugs. But Olivia thinks, “He’s only doing it because I asked — not because he wants to.” She overlooks the fact that he listened and adjusted his behaviour out of care — an important sign of love.

How to challenge it: Instead of saying, “They’re only doing it because I asked,” reframe it as: “They care enough to listen and respond.” Let the effort matter.

3. Mind Reading

This distortion involves assuming you know what others are thinking — and usually assuming the worst.

Case Example: Maria’s partner comes home quiet and tired. Maria thinks, “He’s upset with me,” or “He’s pulling away because he doesn’t love me anymore.” In reality, he had a stressful day. Her assumption replaces curiosity with fear, feeding her belief of being unloved.

How to challenge it: Ask yourself: Do I have solid evidence for what I think they’re feeling? Consider gently asking, rather than guessing.

4. All-or-Nothing Thinking

Also known as black-and-white thinking, this distortion sees love in extremes: if it's not constant or perfect, it's not real.

Case Example: Eli’s boyfriend forgets their anniversary. Eli immediately thinks, “If he loved me, he’d never forget something so important.” He overlooks the countless ways his partner has shown affection throughout the year.

How to challenge it: Ask: Is it possible to love someone and still make mistakes? Love is often imperfect — but no less genuine.

5. Emotional Reasoning

This distortion equates feelings with facts. “I feel unloved, so it must be true.”

Case Example: Lena feels overlooked at a family gathering and concludes, “No one here really cares about me.” Later she learns that others were dealing with their own stress and distractions. Her feelings were valid, but they didn’t tell the whole story.

How to challenge it:Feelings are important, but they aren’t proof. Ask: What would an outside observer see in this situation? Balance emotion with evidence.

6. Shoulding and Musting

This distortion involves rigid ideas about how love should be — often based on unrealistic ideals.

Philosopher Alain de Botton describes how our expectations about love are shaped by movies, fairy tales, and romantic myths. We might believe that love should be spontaneous, intuitive, or effortless — that partners must know what we need without us saying anything. But de Botton encourages a view of romantic realism: that love is something we learn, teach, and negotiate. It’s not flawless — it’s human.

Case Example: Hannah believes, “If he really loved me, he would just know what I need.” She feels hurt when her partner doesn’t automatically comfort her after a rough day, and concludes he doesn’t care — even though he shows his love in other consistent ways.

How to challenge it: Replace “they should just know” with: “We’re two different people, and communicating our needs is part of loving well. “Real love is less like a fairytale, more like a practice.

7. Overlooking Different Love Languages

People show love in different ways — and we often miss it when it’s not in our preferred form.

Case Example: Nina values verbal affirmation and longs to hear “I love you” often. Her partner, Alex, rarely says it, but regularly brings her coffee, fixes things around the house, and takes care of errands. Nina starts to feel unloved, unaware that Alex is expressing affection through acts of service.

How to challenge it: Instead of assuming “They don’t love me,” try asking:

• What’s my love language?

• What’s theirs?

• How can I ask for love in my language — and also learn to recognize it in theirs?

Being loved doesn’t always look how we expect — but it’s still there.

8. The Fairness Fallacy

This distortion is the belief that love must be evenly matched at all times — that everything you give should be equally returned.

Case Example: Jon feels like he’s always initiating plans in his relationship. He starts to believe, “I care more than she does.” But he fails to see that his partner supports him in emotional and practical ways that he doesn’t count — like helping him through anxiety or managing the home.

How to challenge it: Ask: Am I keeping score? Relationships aren’t always 50/50 — sometimes they ebb and flow. What matters more is mutual care over time, not perfect symmetry in every moment.

Final Thoughts

The belief “others don’t love me” can feel deeply rooted — especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. But often, this belief is filtered through thinking patterns that hide or distort evidence of love that’s already there.

Cognitive distortions like discounting the positive, emotional reasoning, shoulding, and the fairness fallacy can all contribute to a persistent sense of being unloved — even when you're actually surrounded by care and connection.

Healing begins by becoming curious about your thoughts:

• What am I assuming here?

• Am I blocking out signs of love because they don’t “look right”?

• Can I express what I need, and notice when someone tries to meet it?

Real love may be imperfect, quiet, or different than you imagined — but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

Working with a therapist can help you unpack these patterns, develop more flexible thinking, and start to receive love more openly — on terms that feel both authentic and grounded.

You deserve connection — and learning to see love more clearly is one of the most powerful ways to receive it.